STARTING FIGHTS IN EMPTY ROOMS
Walking into broken glass was not what I expected when I woke that morning. It looked like I had a party and a really good fight. Or maybe both simultaneously. I remembered then that I hadn’t had company and instantly my hangover head pound was more painful than the glass cutting my feet. I remembered then how I could start a fight in an empty room. I remembered then how the person I wanted to fight the most was myself and apparently, I had taken it out on my apartment.
Never before in the history of time, has there been more of an importance placed on knowing one’s worth. In everything we do, we have directed our significant attentions to self-love, self-actualization, and knowing your own personal value. I’ve written articles that pushed its agenda and watched movies where the underlining theme was to always believe in yourself, know that you can do better, be more. Sounds easy enough, because we all inherently believe that we’re special and that there is something unique and beautiful inside of us that no one else on this planet can offer. We start off in life, childish, ambitious, optimistic and hopeful of a bright future that is directly related to our special talent. Then somewhere down the line, someone tells us we are less and self-doubt begins to manifest a web of secret lies, that we ourselves believe. We fight every day to keep what pride and worth we still have left inside of us.
Every day is a battle over self.
One side of self is telling you how great you are and there’s no one alive as brilliant as you are, then 2ndself says, that you’ll fail at everything you do, so why even try. Others of us have killed the 2ndself and we want to know how they have done it. We want to know how we can conquer and rid ourselves of the 2ndself demon. These champions over 2ndself are our heroes; our rock stars of self-esteem. How did they begin to live the life they wanted? How did they have the courage to kill the 2ndself?
It takes courage to really know you are worthy and deserving of a good life. If it were easy we’d never have to push the agenda so hard. We’d never have to hold entire conferences pushing self-esteem and believing in yourself if it were so easy. We are hypnotized like summer mosquitos to the high voltage life of someone who appears to truly believe in themselves. We are in awe of their self-love and confidence. They literally glow self-worth. Their auras are so strong that we can’t help but follow them on social media and watch from the outside looking in at their so called perfect lives. Their self-esteem seems way more evolved than ours could ever be. But are they truly happy or are they putting on a high self-esteem mask? Sadly, we don’t find out until the girl with 2 million followers has committed suicide. Then we question ourselves for not be able to see the signs of low self-worth.
We mistook unhealthy habits, bad behaviors and negative self-talk as that person loving themselves because somewhere those traits resonated within us too. 2ndself is appealing and comfortable. 2nd self is an easy lay. It is far easier for me to give in to the 2ndself’s lies than it is for me to have the courage to stand up against it. To say that it’s bullshit and call it out for what it is, for once and for all, a liar.
Modern sculptor Brancusi noted, “Seeing far is one thing, going there is another.”
Anytime you face a battle, whether you win or lose, you come out with scars. Battle wounds that say I have been somewhere, I have fought a cause, I know a little something about this life now, I know more about who I am as a human being now because I have fought these battles. I’ve won even the ones I’ve lost because I had the courage to fight them.
“I am Kimberly and I make bad decisions based off how I feel about myself. I date men and get in impossible situations because of my own self appraisal of worth. I don’t know how to cut off the voices that tell me lies.” – Me.
The first step is recognizing that those are lies. That you don’t need followers to become validated as a human. That every human being alive, including you reading this is worthy and has greatness inside of them. To be alive is a gift, a grateful blessing. You have made it this far in life without dying like the rest of 2016. You have a higher calling. If you weren’t meant to be here right now you wouldn’t be. Every day you wake up with a heartbeat and ready to go is a blessing. You still have a purpose on this planet. My worst, 2ndself tells me that I am not worthy of love and happiness. In return, I accept lies as truth and hate as love. We fall for anything because it is easy to do. It is hard to say to someone, “No, I won’t allow you to treat me that way. No, I won’t stick around for this type of verbal abuse and Yes, I am somebody worthy of the best life possible. Yes, I too should be loved and cherished. I am a child of God.
Until we believe it for ourselves we will continue to accept the lowest grade versions of our best lives.
Practice self-love every day.
Take time out every day to acknowledge what you are grateful for.
Eat to live, not live to eat.
Think of yourself in abundance
Envision yourself as a magnet for all the aspirations you want in your life.
Help others, even when they can’t give you help in return.
Every day for 21 days, write down 5 “I am “statements.